Do you know your ‘Dating Quotient’?

I once was developing the “curriculum” for a workshop I was going to teach.  (I know, “curriculum” is a bit presumptuous for a workshop on dating), and the phrase hit me like a ton of bricks.

That phrase is “Dating Quotient” or “DQ” (with apologies to Dairy Queen).

In all the years I have worked with singles, the people who had the most success (defining “success” as meeting someone and starting a meaningful relationship) often have not been the tallest men, the thinnest women or the people who earned the most money. Usually they were merely the people who were the most flexible and realistic.

After more than three decades of listening to singles, I discovered that I can predict with some degree of accuracy a person’s chances of finding someone merely based on a 45 minute to one hour interview. Sometimes it only takes a few minutes of that interview to know that this person will probably remain single for many, many years.

I realize that I can almost quantify every person and assess them a point value, which I would now call their DQ. It is really pretty simple. That is, I could assign positive and negative points for such factors as height, weight, education status, etc. Then I could multiply those points by how rigid or flexible that person might be in terms of describing whom he or she would like to meet.

So a tall, athletic, 55-year-old successful lawyer would see his DQ drop dramatically if he only wanted to meet slender red-headed nurses under the age of 30.

On the other hand, a short, uneducated tradesman who was a really nice guy, flexible, and looking for a kind, down-to-Earth woman, would have a higher DQ than the previously described lawyer. And if the lawyer smoked and the tradesman didn’t, it would not even be close.

Over the years I have increasingly realized that most single people really have no idea what their DQ might be. And that is a major reason why so many singles have such difficulty in the dating arena.

Following an interview, I frequently try to convince a man or woman that if he or she would be just a little more flexible in one area or another (i.e., a man willing to meet a woman close to his own age or even a few years older, or a woman willing to meet a guy close to her own height or even an inch or two shorter), that their chances of meeting someone, (i.e. DQ) would skyrocket.

But some people refuse to listen. Some actually become angry with me.

Many singles join dating services, write or respond to Internet profiles, frequent singles-related events, and wonder why they are unsuccessful in meeting someone or developing a relationship that lasts more than a few dates. So they tend to blame the service or the Internet site, while making lame excuses such as, “There just aren’t any good single men (or women) out there.”

If you are such a person (or perhaps you know one) it’s time to look in the mirror. And it’s time to be a little more flexible. Remember, changing your dating priorities does not necessarily mean lowering them.

I could write an article that would specifically delineate a point total for various characteristics. For example, plus 10 points if a guy is more than 6 feet tall or minus 25 points for cigarette smoking. But that strikes me as somewhat silly.

The fact is that one can judge one’s own DQ just by examining past dating experiences. If you are one of those single men or women who says, “Every time I meet someone I like, they don’t like me, or vice versa,” it’s time to rethink your priorities.

I recall one 40-year-old man who was a successful dentist. He was twice divorced, but told me he now had finally figured out exactly the type of woman with whom he should have a relationship.

He then explained that his first wife had been a “beautiful, sexy blonde, but that she was a total airhead,” and that his second wife was a “beautiful, sexy blonde, but she turned out to be a real witch.” (Okay, he didn’t use the word “witch.”)

“So, what type of woman do you want to meet now,” I asked. He responded in a casual, matter of fact voice, “Just a beautiful, sexy blonde and who is not a _itch.”

That was a man who needed to work on his Dating Quotient.

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