Dating Priorities & Finances

Posted on April 3, 2012 by Steve

“Money makes the world go round …;” so goes that chipper tune from “Cabaret.” But when it comes to long-term relationships, most studies show that arguments about money and finances rank as the major cause of divorce.

Yet when couples start dating, they rarely exchange views about financial issues and spending habits. It is a rare on-line profile that states “Must have an IRA with at least $25,000 in it.” When I speak with singles men and women about their dating priorities rarely does anyone express any financial preferences regarding someone they want to date.

Men may find that difficult to believe, because many males still think that meeting a guy with a “fat wallet” is a top female priority. But with “today’s women” that is far from true. Most of the single women I speak with earn a decent income themselves and were not looking for men to support them.

The real problem sets in when single men and women meet, date, and then become engaged. At that point most of their discussions center on purchasing an engagement ring and planning the wedding, a one-day event.

As a couple winds its way through an engagement, other topics soon arise, such as honeymoon plans. Eventually talk may turn to other relatively “trivial” issues such as where they will live or whether they want to have children. (That was sarcasm, folks.)

BUT rarely do engaged couples ever sit down and do any financial planning. Approach a 20-something couple in deep discussion about the print font on the wedding invitations or the flavor of icing on the wedding cake. Ask if they have done any long-range financial planning, and you will probably receive the same blank stare my son used to give me when I would ask him to take out the garbage while he was immersed in a video game.

But without that planning, a couple in which one person loves to shop while the other prefers to save is likely to wind up down the road as a divorce statistic.

What financial subjects should couples discuss? Here are just a few suggestions:

• Whether they plan to pool their money or keep their finances separate.
• The extent of outstanding college loans or other debts.
• Which person will assume responsibility for paying the bills and preparing tax returns.
• How much financial risk either person is willing to take, either in terms of investments or decisions about career moves.

And, of course, any couple even considering marriage these days should have the all-important “pre-nuptial agreement” conversation.

So, the next time you find yourself getting involved in what is beginning to look like a serious relationship, try not to focus all your attention on how hot you think he or she looks.

One evening you might want to cuddle up on the couch and whisper in your sweetie’s ear, “So how does your 401(k) look these days?”

Posted in Dating Articles | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

Leap Year Day and Dating

Posted on February 26, 2012 by Steve

This week contains that rarest of days … Leap Year Day, Feb. 29.

Tradition has it this is the one day that women may propose marriage to their “fella.” And with women running companies and outnumbering men in law schools, one would think that scores of ladies will be presenting rings to their boyfriends today.

But I doubt it.

Before explaining why, let’s examine the history of the Leap Year tradition. My crack research staff has uncovered the “fact” that it all began in 5th-century Ireland, when St. Bridget complained to St. Patrick about women having to wait so long for a man to propose.

So, being a kindly gentleman, St. Patrick apparently proclaimed that on this particularly rare day females would be permitted to propose marriage. (Was this the kickoff of Women’s Lib?)

Then, English Law ignored Feb. 29 for a few centuries. Eventually, people reasoned that since the Leap Year Day existed to fix a problem in the calendar, it could also be used to correct an unjust custom that only men could propose marriage.

So in 1288, Scotland passed a law that allowed women to propose to the man of their choice on Feb. 29 of that year. Supposedly the Scots then added a legal ruling that any man who declined a proposal in a leap year must pay a fine, which ranged from a kiss to payment for a silk dress or a pair of gloves.

Today, with the onset of the Women’s Movement and the continued narrowing of the gap between the sexes in virtually every aspect of society, it might seem logical that women would jump at the opportunity to propose marriage to their guys.

But I don’t think so. While running the dating service LunchDates for nearly 23 years, I always found it intriguing that there seemed to be two exceptions to the general rule of women insisting on equality with men.

The first involved determining who should pick up the tab for the “lunch date” that we arranged. One of the questions we asked in the membership interview was “Who should pay for the date?” We offered three answers: “The man should pay;” “It should be Dutch;” or “No preference, wait and see what happens.”

Most people answered “wait and see.” BUT the feedback that we received from women after dates was almost unanimous; that if the man suggested they split the bill, the women would respond by vehemently labeling him as “cheap.” And this accusation of cheapness came from many women who elsewhere in the interview trumpeted the fact how successful they were and how much money they made.

The other exception to women insisting on an equal relationship referred to asking the man out for future dates.

While some women said they didn’t mind taking the initiative in advancing a relationship, most indicated they still preferred waiting for the man to call. I often heard my counselors saying to a female client who expressed hope that her date would phone her, “Well, why don’t you call him?”

And the woman’s inevitable response was usually something like “Oh no, I just couldn’t!” (Even though this same woman was probably CEO of a large business, managed a hundred million dollar hedge fund, or just delivered a brilliant closing argument to a jury in a manslaughter trial.)

Of course she preferred not making that call! Who does?

Speaking as a man, I admit that since I was in high school, the most difficult phone call I ever had to make was the one asking a woman out for a second or third date. Even as an adult I would revert to my 17-year-old self, with sweaty palms, calling the cute girl in my French class to ask if she wanted to go to the movies with me on Saturday night.

My daughter tells me that most young people today rely on “texting” someone to ask for a date, thereby averting a “face to face” rejection. In the dating world there are few moments more awkward than those following an out and out rejection over the phone. Should the “rejectee” just hang up, or perhaps try and change the subject? “Well, uh, how do you think the Sox will do this year?” sounds pretty feeble.

Of course far down the relationship road from merely asking someone for a date, the marriage proposal issue looms, like the proverbial elephant in the room. I recall one woman at LunchDates excitedly calling her counselor to announce that the guy she had been seeing for almost a year had finally popped the question.

“I didn’t even know you two were serious,” my counselor responded in amazement. “After all, you have been meeting new guys regularly for the past year.”

The woman responded “Well, I never thought he would actually propose, and I didn’t want to put all my eggs in one basket!” Yes, it never entered this modern woman’s mind that perhaps she should initiate the proposal.

So I have to wonder if any woman this Wednesday will have the nerve to drop to one knee, ring in hand, in a restaurant to pop the question to her beau. Is this the final hurdle that females must overcome to achieve equality between the sexes?

Frankly I would love to hear from any woman who is taking advantage of today, Feb. 29, to propose marriage.

I am sure she would make St. Bridget very proud!

Posted in Dating Articles | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

Will You Pass the ‘Valentine’s Day Test?’

Posted on February 8, 2012 by Steve

Hey guys, remember back in school when the hairs on the back of your neck stood straight up as your teacher strolled down the aisle passing out graded final exams?

Well Valentine’s Day is approaching, the day you receive your relationship “grade.” So how will you do? Face it, not to sound too cynical or unromantic, but what this holiday really represents is pressure.

Pressure to give your “Valentine” just the right present, one that communicates whatever the message is that you figure is the correct one.

And what is the source of that pressure? The first source is the avalanche of radio and television ads that seem to have started about three seconds after Dick Clark barely completed his New Year’s Eve countdown live from Times Square.

We can easily recite a few…. “Every kiss begins with Kay,” “Vermont Teddy Bears” (how many of you received the “Love Bandit”?), “Elizabeth Grady facials.” And my favorite, the “pajamagram.” Not to mention all the flower ads.

Of course the other source of pressure is that special woman in your life who squeezed out a furtive smile and glance in your direction every time a Valentine’s Day reminder popped up on radio or television the past few weeks. (I estimate that probably only happened about 147 times a day!) Oh, did I say “woman” in your life?

Not to sound too sexist, but most men care about receiving a meaningful Valentine’s Day present about as much as they wanted to switch the channel to view Masterpiece Theatre on PBS during the recent Super Bowl.

And it doesn’t matter if you have only been dating four weeks or been married 44 years! The same pressure exists, perhaps even more so for the people in brand-new relationships.

Because, for most couples, Valentine’s Day serves as a relationship barometer. And a “new” couple is still in the midst of playing one of those cute relationship games, such as “I’ll tell you how I feel about you, if you’ll tell me first how you feel about me.” (Another such game is “Sleep me with first, then I’ll tell you whether I am serious about our relationship.”)

At the dating service I ran for more than two decades, February was always an interesting month. During the two weeks before Valentine’s Day, business was always slow. Very slow. After all, nobody wanted to admit just before the 14th that the only person they had to buy flowers for was dear old Mom. And nobody wanted to go on a first date with someone on Valentine’s Day.

But the week after Valentine’s Day always kicked off one of the busiest times of the year, as many people decided this would be the last Valentine’s Day they would spend alone with their cocker spaniel. Then there were all those relationships that failed the Valentine’s Day test. For example, if you expected an expensive piece of jewelry or even an engagement ring (after all you have been dating three years), and all you got was a bunch of Hershey kisses wrapped in a red tin heart (not every kiss begins with Kay), maybe you finally realized your relationship was not headed in the right direction.

And so every year at my dating service the floodgates would swing open on Feb. 15, as many single men and women figured that it was time to “start from scratch” in their relationship search.

It’s too bad that we all can’t just turn back the clock and celebrate Valentine’s Day the way we did in first grade. Just go to CVS and buy a box of Care Bears cards and give one to every boy and girl in the class!

Posted in Dating Articles | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

First Date Advice for Men

Posted on January 25, 2012 by Steve

Between online dating services, personal matchmaking services, and singles events like speed dating, it is not difficult for guys to find women to go out with … once.

However, many men can’t figure out why women won’t go out with them on a second or third date. So guys, let me pass on the most common reasons women have told me why they did not want to see you again.

1) You talked too much about yourself — It is common in the animal kingdom for the male of the species to show off his “plumage” in an attempt to lure females back to his “lair.” Especially when attracted to a date, many men love to talk incessantly about themselves, their jobs, and their possessions, and the result more often than not is to turn off women. (Think of a blathering Michael Scott on “The Office.”) At the dating service I ran for over two decades, it was always both amusing yet sad when a man would call his counselor raving about what a great date he just had, then minutes later the woman would call complaining about what a jerk she had just met.

2) Conversely you showed very little interest in learning about who she is — Women these days have their own careers, accomplishments, and hobbies. This is not the Old West when women would coyly flutter their eyelashes and tell Marshal Dillon how wonderful he is because of his broad shoulders. To impress women today, show an interest in them, ask questions about their jobs, outside interests, etc. Then once you discover a mutual interest, you can bring the conversation back to yourself. A great first date for both parties consists of a back and forth patter that is actually rhythmic. Looking back, many happy couples report that on their first date “We completed each other’s sentences.” That repartee is an integral part of what couples term as “chemistry,” along with pure physical attraction.

3) You didn’t come across as balanced — “He just seemed so obsessed with ____ (fill in the blank).” For the most part women want to meet and date men who have multiple interests, including the arts, travel, politics, cooking, wine, pets, or whatever. It is OK to talk about what a fervent Red Sox fan you are, as long as you also display knowledge of events that occur far beyond Yawkey Way. Of course the same holds true if all you talk about is your job or your passion for sci-fi movies.

4) You were too negative — Actually this is one very common complaint men and women make about each other. Not that you have to turn into “Peter Pollyanna,” but if you spend most of your date complaining about the restaurant’s service or food, your boss, the weather, the economy, Fox News, and especially your exes, the odds of you ever getting a second date are miniscule.

5) You were boring — This is a very common complaint from women. You don’t have to stand on your head and juggle the salt and pepper shakers while whistling the theme from “Hawaii Five-O.” BUT a lunch or dinner date is not like a business meeting. Try and display a little wit, and even if you are nervous, try and relax and just be yourself. (Unless you really are boring.) If you are nervous, go ahead and admit it right away. You might be pleasantly surprised at her response. “I want a man who is comfortable in his own skin,” is an expression I heard from many women.

6) You displayed poor table manners — While this might sound obvious, I was always amazed at how often we heard complaints like “he kept talking with his mouth full,” “he never used his napkin,” “he was belching throughout dinner,” or “he must have been raised in a barn.”

7) You were cheap — This is one area in which women do not want equality. No matter how successful a career woman might be, I guarantee that with most women a “let’s split the check” comment will more often than not result in your date being the last one with the “splittee.” Always offer to pay, and don’t be surprised if she smiles and then says “fine, I’ll take you out the next time.”

8) You drank too much — I know, maybe you had a cocktail before your date to calm your nerves. But then you ordered a drink before dinner and then had one or two more with your meal. “By the end of our date he was slurring his words” was a very common complaint from women.

And guys please note that none of these reasons deal with your appearance. As long as you dress decently and don’t show up on your date looking sloppy and totally unkempt, the odds are that most women will not complain about what you look like.

Many women in happy relationships report “I did not feel an attraction at first, but the more I got to know him, his personality grew on me, and after a while I felt very attracted to him.”

It’s too bad that one very rarely hears a man make a similar statement.

Posted in Dating Articles | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

Do ‘Blind Dates’ Still Exist?

Posted on January 6, 2012 by Steve

Recently a young woman told me that she did not want to meet a guy through an online dating service, because she didn’t like the idea of meeting someone on a “blind date.”

I had to laugh. After all, when is a blind date truly a blind date? Those of you over the age of 40 may recall that when we were younger, a blind date was literally just that.

Back in the day, a friend or relative would call and tell you about someone they wanted you to meet. They usually would say something like “he (or she) is really cute, and I just know you would like him (or her).” In many cases they did not even know the person, and would say that the individual in question was “my cousin’s neighbor” or my barber’s niece” or something like that.

Word of mouth was the usual way that dates used to be arranged, and most of them were “blind.” Of course if the first words out of your friend’s mouth were “she really has a great personality,” well, then you knew that looks were not the individual’s best feature.

But today the dating world is totally different. Especially with online dating services, true blind dates have gone the way of typewriters and television antennas.

Those of you who have tried an online service know that when you actively participate in the “online dating game,” you almost always get to view at least one or two pictures of a potential date. Moreover, thanks to technology, you also learn a great deal about a person and have the opportunity to exchange e-mails back and forth before ever meeting that person.

So when you finally do meet, it hardly feels like a blind date.

Let me offer some advice when it comes to posting pictures. Most importantly, make sure that you do post a picture. Those people who don’t are basically sending a message that looks are not their strong point. Even if that is not the case, that is the message that zero pictures communicates, sort of like telling people that you have a great personality.

It is best to include at least six to eight photos or even more, and don’t just post head shots. If you leave out the rest of your body, others will assume that while you might have a pretty smile, the rest of you leaves a lot to desire.

Make sure you use relatively up to date photos. What does it say about your claim of being an honest, down-to-earth person, if you post a decade-old photo that shows you with a full head of hair or 30 pounds lighter than you are today?

If in your profile you announce that you are an outdoorsy, active person, include at least one picture in which you are actually doing something outdoors. A photo of you skiing, sailing, or standing triumphantly at the top of Mount Everest (or any mountain for that matter) will communicate a great deal about who you really are and the lifestyle you lead.

Also, it is always best to post a picture of you with a couple of friends at a social gathering of some sort. It shows that you have friends, and you know how to socialize, that you are not a hermit, who rarely strays more than a few feet from your computer screen.

On the other hand, don’t show too many of those social pictures. I have seen profiles in which a guy posts a string of photos, and in every one he is holding a glass of beer or a shot glass, and then he wonders why he attracts few women.

If in your profile you claim to be an animal lover, it is always great to post a picture with your pooch, cat, parrot, or whatever. Guys, I guarantee you that such a picture will draw an “awww, how cute” reaction from most women (unless your pet is a reptile of some sort).

If you are a single parent and would like to meet another single parent, posting a picture with your offspring is also a good idea, if you feel comfortable including your child’s picture in your profile. That is your decision. I do not advise inserting a picture with your nieces or nephews, as singles quickly searching through their matches may get the wrong idea.

While your best picture may be a portrait that was obviously taken by a professional photographer or your PR agent, if that is the only picture you post, again you are communicating that the “real” you looks quite different from the posed you.

Finally, ladies, I know you think you think you look best all dressed up and wearing your “going out to party” evening makeup, and perhaps that is true. But at the same time make sure you include a more natural picture, perhaps one in which you are wearing a baseball cap and jogging on the beach.

The bottom line is that the pictures in your online profile should portray all aspects of yourself, from the evening you, to the family you, to the athletic you. And remember this, if you don’t include any photos in your online profile, then you truly will be asking for people to go out with you on a blind date.

And these days people really don’t like blind dates!

Posted in Dating Articles | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

Adopt A Single Guy For The Holidays!

Posted on December 1, 2011 by Steve

Ah the Holidays!

Images of happy families laughing and dining together around a festive table. Of children gleefully opening presents and squealing with delight. Of couples cuddling before a fireplace and sharing romantic gifts and kisses.

At least this is how the Xmas and Chanukah seasons are portrayed in magazine ads and television commercials that appear to bombard us 24/7. And for many lucky people such happy scenes truly reflect their reality.

But for many others such scenes are merely constant and annoying reminders that their current life does not match a Norman Rockwell painting. And these people tend to be forgotten or ignored at this time of year.

Am I referring to the homeless or refugees from communities that were torn asunder by this year’s many weather disasters? No, for those people are not forgotten, and there are plenty of soup kitchens and shelters teeming with donated toys, turkeys, and volunteers eager to help them forget their misery. (Not that I am in any way downplaying their hardships.)

I am speaking of a group of forgotten people that few think of during the holidays. I am referring to adult, single men who are currently “between” relationships.

I know whereof I speak, because many years ago, I was such a man. After my first marriage ended in divorce, and before meeting my current wife, I spent several holiday seasons alone. Really alone.

You see the problem was that people did not think of me when planning their holiday charitable deeds or parties. When my parents who lived in the Midwest called and asked how I was doing, my response was always “just fine, I’m really busy.” After all, being a “man,” I could not admit how lonely I felt.

My married colleagues at work were pleasant enough. But their water cooler chatter consisted of daily reports of how hectic and busy they were… decorating their homes, baking cookies, and buying presents for their children, their spouses, and their mailman. (I guarantee you; no single man even knows his mailman’s name; nothing is more depressing than a single person buying a Xmas tree, and I don’t think I even knew how to turn on my oven.)

I was thrilled when they said we were going to have an office holiday party. And we were going to draw for “Secret Santa” presents.

After all, now I had one party to attend, and besides my parents, I had someone to buy a present for! (Of course just my luck, one year I drew the mail room guy, whom I intensely disliked.)

What about my friends? Yes, I had plenty of friends, but you see male friendships are totally different from female friendships.

Most unattached women are totally sensitive to the needs and feelings of one another. Groups of single women friends will plan lunches and dinner parties and shopping trips with one another. They will exchange presents. They may even decide to sign up for a cruise together over the holidays.

But men are, well, they are men. Male friendships tend to center around watching sports, getting drunk, or hunting for women. If an unattached single guy calls another single guy and says that he is lonely or invites the other guy to go on a cruise with him, let’s just say his heterosexuality would be questioned.

And if he suggests to his buddy that they buy gifts for one another, the response would just be a snicker.

At the dating service I ran for over two decades, there were two times a year when far more men than women would join. One was during the holiday season and the other was in August during the “vacation season.” During both periods women would be busy with their women pals, either having lunch or dinner with one another, taking day trips around New England, or going off on exotic vacations.

Unattached single men would notice that there were no single women around, so they would contact my dating service.

So this holiday season, if you know an unattached single man, call him. Don’t ask how he is, he won’t tell you the truth. Just invite him to join your family in your holiday festivities.

That’s the charitable thing to do.

Posted in Dating Articles | Tagged , , , | 1 Comment

The Height of ‘Heightism’

Posted on November 2, 2011 by Steve

The first dating article I ever published dealt with the single issue that has bugged me the most during the 30 years I have been working with singles.

I am referring to single women’s prejudice against meeting short men. After all, this is one area in which many women display all the shallowness and superficiality that they love to accuse men of possessing.

The same woman who is 10-20 pounds overweight, and who cannot understand why a man might not want to date her because of those few extra pounds …; that same woman often will refuse to meet a man who is two inches shorter than her “ideal.”

I have interviewed women who were very flexible about a man’s religion, his hobbies, and even whether or not he was divorced. But the one criterion they would not budge on was his height!

I am not just talking about tall women. It is certainly understandable that a woman who is 5’10” might want to meet a man over 6’. (In fact, though, the few women who have told me that they were open to meeting men shorter than they tended to be taller women.)

What really perplexes me is the number of short women who insist that they only will date men considerably taller than themselves. It is very common for women 5’ 4” or under to state that they “absolutely” only want to meet a man at least 5’ 10” and they really prefer 6’.
I find it amazing how many women have attached an almost magical meaning to the height of 6’. If society tended to describe people in terms of inches rather than feet, I wonder how attractive it would sound to hear a man described as “72 inches tall,” rather than “70 inches.”

If you are skeptical, have a single man you know place an ad on eHarmony.com saying that he is 6’. Than have another man place an identical ad except for stating that he is only 5’ 10. I guarantee that the first ad will attract nearly twice as many responses from women!

Now many of the women I interview are “modern” women who insist on equality in every way, except height. That is, they are educated, have good jobs, and earn a decent income. They only want to meet men who also are educated, have good jobs, and earn a decent income.

But those men also have to be tall! When pushed to the wall and asked their reasons, they usually reply with one or more of the following excuses:

• “I often wear shoes with at least three to four-inch heels,” some women respond very naturally. So these women add at least three to four inches to their own height just to pull even, then another few inches to make sure that the man on their arm is still taller.

• “My father, my brother, and all the men in my family are over 6’, so that is what I am used to,” one woman stated, insisting that she ABSOLUTELY KNEW that the average height of men was around 6’. When I tried to tell her that the median height of men was between 5’8” and 5’9”, she got up and angrily marched out of the interview room!

• “I am short, and I am looking for a man to father my children, and I don’t want to have short children,” a number of women have told me, with a straight face, I might add.

• “I just feel safer when I walk down the street with a man who is much taller than me,” is also a common response.
• “I am only attracted to tall men, I just can’t help it!”

So where does this height bias leave short men? Behind the proverbial eight-ball, I am sad to say. After all, take a woman who is only 5’ 2”, add three to four inches for her “heels,” another two to three inches so she can feel safe, and lo and behold, it is not unusual for such a women to refuse to meet any man under 5 feet 9 inches. That means she is eliminating about one-half of the male population.

I am especially disheartened when interviewing a man under 5’6”. After all, it is easy to tell a pack a day cigarette smoker that he or she would have a much higher Dating Quotient (that is be easier to match) if he or she quit smoking. It is a little more awkward to tell a woman who is very overweight that she will be easier to match if she drops a few pounds.

But a smoker can quit, and an overweight woman can lose weight. But there is not much a short man can do.

Once I decided I was really going to “negotiate” with a short woman who was insisting that she only wanted to meet men over 6’. The woman had just stated that she was looking to get married and have children.

“You realize that if you are talking about growing old with a man, most people shrink a couple of inches as they hit old age,” I said.

The woman paused, thought about what I said, then responded “Well, if he’s going to shrink, all the more reason to only meet someone very tall!”

Posted in Dating Articles | Tagged , , , , | 5 Comments

Find Yourself a ‘Late Bloomer’

Posted on October 13, 2011 by Steve

 For many of us, our high school years were pure “hell” in terms of dating. Unless you were one of the popular kids, your high school dating experience probably contained all the angst of a 1980s John Hughes movie.

Let’s face it: more guys identified with “Duckie” than with James Spader’s cool kid in “Pretty in Pink.” Or we related to Anthony Michael Hall’s nerdy but sensitive character in “The Breakfast Club.”

Everyone knows that for most girls, Molly Ringwald was THE female icon, especially in “Sixteen Candles.” I am sure many girls had no trouble relating to Molly’s embarrassment when her character’s Grandma Helen announced “Fred, she’s gotten her boobies” and Grandpa Fred responded “I better get my magnifying glass.”

The box office success of those movies, as well as the growing popularity of “nerd getting the girl movies” released in recent years demonstrates that there were a lot more of “us” than “them,” when we were in high school.

Yet high school is also when most people develop the dating patterns and images that all too often remain with us for the rest of our lives. That is why so many adults, when single, dread the prospect of entering or re-entering the dating world. Yes, I maintain that most of our fears and insecurities that many of us carry throughout our adult dating life stem from traumas that occurred during our middle and high school years.

Of course the opposite holds true for those chosen few who were “royalty” in high school …; the captains of the football and basketball teams, the head cheerleaders, the Homecoming Queens, etc. For the most part those popular kids developed an inflated self image that may have also produced negative consequences while trying to develop and maintain positive relationships as adults.

For example, take the high school hotties who were early bloomers, perhaps as early as middle school or even elementary school. From their early teen age years on, they had no trouble attracting the attention of the opposite sex.

I remember when a neighbor of mine, who had matured early and consequently became the star of several sports teams AND our class president, mentioned to me that the following morning in school he was going to “announce” who his next girlfriend would be!I recall being absolutely astounded at the time, especially at the matter of fact way that he told me about his pending decision. After all, I was one of those guys who would have been thrilled if any girl just smiled at me.

So what do you think the odds were of that early bloomer eventually developing into a caring, sensitive, husband and father? I lost track of him, but last I heard he was still single and living the bachelor life in California. Basically the high school jock mentality translates very easily into the adult “player” who pinballs from one relationship to another well into his 30s, 40s, or even 50s.

Or how about those girls who “blossomed” early, dazzled with a perfect complexion, and had no trouble attracting male suitors who stumbled over one another for the opportunity to escort Miss Popularity to the house party where the “in crowd” hung out most weekend nights. Do you think many of these princesses eventually developed the empathy and compassion that goes into a meaningful long term relationship?

When I attended my 30th high school reunion I noticed two things about the women who had made up the popular girls clique at my high school. First, many of them already had grandchildren, as they had married at a relatively young age, and secondly almost all of them were divorced.

So, here is my suggestion to those single and divorced adults still looking for their life mate. Find yourself a “late bloomer.” You know the skinny awkward girl with zits in high school who nobody wanted to date, or the chubby girl with braces who had not yet shed her “baby fat.”

Or the guy who was the geeky science whiz or debate club captain who later learned as a young adult that the best way to attract women was to develop a great sense of humor and a sensitive, caring personality. Of course many of these guys probably also did very well career-wise, while maintaining a low level of self confidence when it came to playing the dating game as an adult.

Relationships and dating never came easy to these people, and as a result they (OK, we) had to work hard to attract members of the opposite sex.

In my matchmaking experience while running a dating service and later working for eHarmony.com, I often found that the easiest to match people were the men and women with the most realistic and flexible expectations. And most frequently these were NOT the best-looking men or women.

But they were people with down to earth and unpretentious personalities…who smiled easily and did not come across as cocky or egotistical. They (we) eventually realized that the quickest path to a successful relationship involved humor, warmth, and the development of good listening skills.

Some adult singles are basically far too picky, and I suggest that many of them are the grown-up versions of the popular group of kids that the rest of us both envied and loathed back in the day.

So here is an interesting question to pose when communicating with someone on-line or on a first date. Just ask which member of “The Breakfast Club” they identified with back in high school.

Posted in Dating Articles | 9 Comments

My Least Favorite Word

Posted on October 1, 2011 by Steve

Over the three decades that I have been working with singles and interviewed and read the profiles of literally tens of thousands of men and women, one word has bugged me more than any other.

The more I hear it and read it, the more I realize that men and women who use it the most will probably have the least success in the dating world.

That word is “just,” as in:
• “I JUST think I am better off dating much taller men.”
• “I can’t help it; I JUST don’t want to meet anyone with children.”
• “I JUST am not attracted to facial hair.”
• “Since I ski most weekends during the winter, I JUST want to meet expert skiers.”
• “I don’t know, I JUST think I intimidate men who don’t have a graduate degree.”
• “I JUST can’t imagine going out with someone who is 50!”

You see, “just” is a limiting word. It often implies that one is acting more on gut instinct than rational thought. Too many single men and women limit their options by relying on such feelings, without examining the consequences of refusing to date someone JUST because he has a mustache or JUST because she turned 40.

Actually one standard by Cole Porter makes my point by using the word “just.”
“It was just one of those things
Just one of those crazy flings…;.
IF WE’D THOUGHT A BIT before the end of it
When we started painting the town
We’d have been aware that our love affair
Was too hot not to cool down…;.
It was great fun
But it was just one of those things”

The fact is that dating is a numbers game, and many single people severely limit the number of people they meet by overusing the “J” word. They also cut short potential long-term relationships by prematurely deciding during a first date that there won’t be a second one.

Anyway, that’s “just” what I think.

Posted in Dating Articles | Tagged , | 16 Comments

Do you know your ‘Dating Quotient’?

Posted on September 6, 2011 by Steve

I once was developing the “curriculum” for a workshop I was going to teach.  (I know, “curriculum” is a bit presumptuous for a workshop on dating), and the phrase hit me like a ton of bricks.

That phrase is “Dating Quotient” or “DQ” (with apologies to Dairy Queen).

In all the years I have worked with singles, the people who had the most success (defining “success” as meeting someone and starting a meaningful relationship) often have not been the tallest men, the thinnest women or the people who earned the most money. Usually they were merely the people who were the most flexible and realistic.

After more than three decades of listening to singles, I discovered that I can predict with some degree of accuracy a person’s chances of finding someone merely based on a 45 minute to one hour interview. Sometimes it only takes a few minutes of that interview to know that this person will probably remain single for many, many years.

I realize that I can almost quantify every person and assess them a point value, which I would now call their DQ. It is really pretty simple. That is, I could assign positive and negative points for such factors as height, weight, education status, etc. Then I could multiply those points by how rigid or flexible that person might be in terms of describing whom he or she would like to meet.

So a tall, athletic, 55-year-old successful lawyer would see his DQ drop dramatically if he only wanted to meet slender red-headed nurses under the age of 30.

On the other hand, a short, uneducated tradesman who was a really nice guy, flexible, and looking for a kind, down-to-Earth woman, would have a higher DQ than the previously described lawyer. And if the lawyer smoked and the tradesman didn’t, it would not even be close.

Over the years I have increasingly realized that most single people really have no idea what their DQ might be. And that is a major reason why so many singles have such difficulty in the dating arena.

Following an interview, I frequently try to convince a man or woman that if he or she would be just a little more flexible in one area or another (i.e., a man willing to meet a woman close to his own age or even a few years older, or a woman willing to meet a guy close to her own height or even an inch or two shorter), that their chances of meeting someone, (i.e. DQ) would skyrocket.

But some people refuse to listen. Some actually become angry with me.

Many singles join dating services, write or respond to Internet profiles, frequent singles-related events, and wonder why they are unsuccessful in meeting someone or developing a relationship that lasts more than a few dates. So they tend to blame the service or the Internet site, while making lame excuses such as, “There just aren’t any good single men (or women) out there.”

If you are such a person (or perhaps you know one) it’s time to look in the mirror. And it’s time to be a little more flexible. Remember, changing your dating priorities does not necessarily mean lowering them.

I could write an article that would specifically delineate a point total for various characteristics. For example, plus 10 points if a guy is more than 6 feet tall or minus 25 points for cigarette smoking. But that strikes me as somewhat silly.

The fact is that one can judge one’s own DQ just by examining past dating experiences. If you are one of those single men or women who says, “Every time I meet someone I like, they don’t like me, or vice versa,” it’s time to rethink your priorities.

I recall one 40-year-old man who was a successful dentist. He was twice divorced, but told me he now had finally figured out exactly the type of woman with whom he should have a relationship.

He then explained that his first wife had been a “beautiful, sexy blonde, but that she was a total airhead,” and that his second wife was a “beautiful, sexy blonde, but she turned out to be a real witch.” (Okay, he didn’t use the word “witch.”)

“So, what type of woman do you want to meet now,” I asked. He responded in a casual, matter of fact voice, “Just a beautiful, sexy blonde and who is not a _itch.”

That was a man who needed to work on his Dating Quotient.

Posted in Dating Articles | 24 Comments